Connor 7: Grief Siesta

The worst thing about this world is to live in it. People can put up their walls and shields of fake joy, but in reality, nothing good lasts. Even the most positive and genuinely good people on this earth will break. When things get too real, people tend to shrug it off as too horrible to speak of. Ignorance is bliss I guess, but it is still ignorance and to live in ignorance slowly eats away at your spirit and eventually will break you.

I am the type of person who recognizes everything as it is. Both good and bad. The only problem is I tend to suppress both positive and negative emotions. Suppression is one of the most unhealthy habits a human can develop. Keeping a more neutral approach to things is horrible. Just due to the fact that the world just naturally has more negative than positive, it's hard to do to begin with. On top of that, it causes me to break all the time.

Being positive doesn't work because it requires ignorance. And being ignorant might as well be being brain dead. Being negative doesn't work because it doesn't even give you a fighting chance. You will wake up every day already being crushed. Being neutral doesn't work either because of the lack of balance in nature. The only way to survive is to mix up each emotion accordingly to beat out the inevitable crisis.

Finding the right mixture is not something that can be easily done. Personally, I have been crying for 4 hours now due to the fact that I've been suppressing weeks' worth of emotions. Each little feeling piles up and hits all at once. At this point, it's required to take a grief siesta, or tragedy slumber. Since my last grief siesta, my gerbil died, I've had the busiest nights at work of all time with the crappiest tips, still can't share feelings with others, and still vomit in my mouth a little bit when human connection occurs. The only thing that actually gets me through all this the grief siestas. Sleeping off the pain is one of the most effective tricks to this.

Is the grief siesta even healthy? Probably not. Are any means of pain relief actually healthy? No one really knows. We are all way too different to know what is actually effective. I have the issue where I can't miss school or my anxiety acts up and I can't breathe. Last year I had the flu, came to school the whole time, and actually crawled on the floor for a couple of my classes. Despite that insanity, the only thing that I want right now is to not enter that building and deal with the humans inside. Does that mean I've reached a new kind of rock bottom, or what? The only thing that is actually known is that this year has sucked so far, and I need another siesta.